Others Peoples Opinions

We can love ourselves a little bit less, and we do this over and over and over. We can forget who we really are, what we really like, all of those things that are really important. And so what I want to ask is, what would happen if you showed up exactly as you? No more pretending, no more acting.

You actually are embracing the things that you love about yourself, and you show more of those things. What would actually happen? Welcome to the Thrive Her podcast. I'm your host, Amy Sanders.

I'm a fitness and wellness pro, mom, stepmom, second wife, and master certified life coach. I'm here to help you manage your mind so you can uncover the most potent version of yourself and create a thriving life you love. Good morning. For me, as I'm recording this, I'm recording this at like nine o'clock in the morning because I decided to skip my workout today.

I don't think I've ever recorded a podcast this hour because usually my mornings I am doing all my little morning routines and getting my workout in. I'm doing my meditation, my yoga and reading. And this morning I was like, you know, I think I actually just want to record a podcast first thing. So here we are.

And the episode this week is something that's a little dear to my heart because I see it so much in my clients. In fact, the reason why I want to talk about this today is because of one client that I was coaching yesterday. I was like, okay, I think we need to talk about this. So what we are going to talk about today is letting go of other people's opinions.

And this is something that I think so many people struggle with. However, because they struggle with it, they end up keeping themselves a lot smaller and there's a lot of self-betrayal that can happen. And so that's really what I want to talk about. And we're going to get right into it.

Also, this is the 100th podcast episode. It's kind of crazy to me that I'm already at a hundred episodes that I have released up to this point. It's like, wow, that was... by really fast and here we are.

So hopefully it's full of all the juiciness that I'm hoping to relate to you and that you guys, as you listen, can take the nuggets of wisdom out of this episode and have it work for you in your lives. So I'm going to start with just talking a little bit about my client and what happened yesterday, which spun me wanting to talk about this today. So as I was on a coaching call yesterday with this particular client and up to this point, a lot of our work has been helping her let go of what other people think of her and teaching her how to love herself because all of those little things get in the way of everything else that she wants to accomplish. And so as we were talking, I was like, geez, I really feel like so many people.

People have the same struggle where we focus so much on what other people think that we start to become something different than who we actually are. And it can be exhausting, right? Because you're not really showing up in this authentic space. You are essentially being some sort of puppet.

Now, as I say this, I say this with love. I don't want to offend. That is not my goal, but I'm saying that you end up being something that you're not. And so this particular client has been helping her let go of what other people think of her and teaching her how to love herself because all of those little things get in the way of what other people think of her and teaching her how to love herself She was, she's very active.

And so she was in this sports game and she was actually all the way to, she was, how do I say in Utah, that's where I live. It was like the championship of Utah. So she had made it that far in this game and she made a couple mistakes the last game of whether they win the entire thing or not. So they're either going to make first or second place.

So it's a big deal either way, but she made a couple mistakes. And they didn't end up winning and it's okay to be disappointed in yourself. Right. And I was telling her that I'm like, it's okay to be disappointed in yourself.

But the way she responded to it made me think, okay, let's dig a little bit deeper. So she legit thought that no one on her team would like her anymore. After she lost, she removed herself from everyone. So everyone was like telling her that she did the best that she could and that those things happen or whatever, you know, and she was like, I don't know.

I don't know. Everyone's trying to help her feel better, but she's so worried about what they think that she left the situation and self-isolated and didn't respond to anyone else because she was not just disappointed in herself, but it was more because of the fear of facing these people, even though they were telling her that it was okay, facing these people thinking that there's no way they're ever going to like her again. And I was just listening to her thinking, no, they actually were okay with this. Like this was okay.

And I was like, no, they actually were okay with this. You know, of course they're sad that they lost, but they still like you. There's still so many things to like. And then she went into more, she just went into more things about how she responds to people's texts, like how other people liking her is really, really, really, really important and that she wants everybody to like her.

And so this little quote came to my mind. This is from, I don't know if I'm going to say her name, right. But it's like Dita Von Teese, I think is who said this quote, but it's, you can be the juiciest peach in the world, but there's always going to be someone who doesn't like peaches. And I love this quote because it's true.

It doesn't matter how good you might be at a certain thing. Like in this, like the juiciest peach in the entire world, you can be the yummiest peach, juicy, just flavorful, all the things. But if someone doesn't really like peach, they don't like that flavor. They're not going to eat it.

They're not going to like it. And we can't appease everyone. There are going to be people that will not like us, but we spend so much of our time trying to control what other people think of us. And then we're completely just self-consumed and worried about what they might be thinking behind our backs or what they might be saying or, you know, all of the things.

But guess what? Their opinion is, none of our business. It's their opinion. And we don't have control over what they are going to think about us.

We have zero control. They're going to think what they're going to think regardless of how we show up. So why are we so worried about it? I mean, we know why we're so worried about it, right?

We want people to like us. And the reason why we're so worried about it is because that we're attaching our worth to what they think about us. So what do we do? We lie.

We twist ourselves and try to fit ourselves into some box that we are not. We change what we are to impress them. We show up differently. But even still, that does not mean that they're going to like us.

And when we try so hard to control what people think of us by acting differently than who we actually are, and we're not showing up as ourselves, we are essentially self-betraying. So when you self-betray, it's when you're doing something against your own motives, values, your own heart. You're showing up differently than who you are. And when you self-betray, that little internal person, I like to call it like your inner child, starts to not trust you, which is a horrible place to be.

And I know that we all fall into it. But when we self-betray and we show a version of us that isn't even us, usually people can see right through it and they can feel that energy that you are putting out. But more importantly, it doesn't feel good to ourselves. It feels even worse because it is a form of self-betrayal.

We're not being true to us. It doesn't feel authentic. It does not feel genuine. It doesn't feel good.

And so we can love ourselves a little bit less. And we do this over and over and over. We can forget who we really are, what we really like. All of those things, things that are really important.

And so what I want to ask is, what would happen if you showed up exactly as you? No more pretending, no more acting. You actually are embracing the things that you love about yourself and you show more of those things. What would actually happen?

And I have a little story that I wanted to tell here about myself. So when I moved into a lot of the people in the neighborhood, it was a higher end neighborhood and I didn't know if I belonged yet. Of course, like I built the house there. I moved there.

I moved in. And so you would think that given the status and stuff, it would be okay. And I would fit in, but I didn't feel like I did. And I wanted people to like me.

And so I tried to do the things that I thought that they would like, basically be some sort of chameleon, right? And there was this one friend of mine and I don't know why, even to this day, I look back and I was like, I really don't know why, but when she would come and talk to me and she did like me, I was being likable because I was trying to be what she wanted. I would get my words twisted. I couldn't even like talk very well because I was so worried about like what she was thinking about me.

And I wanted to be liked by her so bad. And I would get tight in my chest. My heart would pound when she would walk up. And she was just, she was like this nice person.

I don't, I look back as to how I was showing up and I'm like, whoa, what was going on with you, Amy? But I wanted so badly for her to accept me. And it wasn't until I decided that this was feeling way worse, trying to be what she, I thought, I didn't even know what she wanted me to be, right? What I thought she wanted me to be.

And just to let go of it and just step into my own power. And after that happened, our relationship deepened to a whole new level. When I started showing up as me and letting go of like trying to say the right things, trying to be funny, trying to fit in, when I just finally let it all go and was like, either she's going to like me or she's not, we got closer. And that's what I want to offer you is to stay in your power.

And I know sometimes it's a lot harder than we think, like we're making it harder than we think, but if you stayed in your power, standing in your power, thinking, this is how I was made. This is who I am. This is what I like and don't like. And you can like me or you can hate me, but this is me and I'm not going to change.

This is me. It feels so much more peaceful when you're in that space. If you aren't someone's flavor, AKA they don't like peaches, it's okay. Cause not everyone likes peaches.

The peach haters will move right along and it's okay. They weren't your flavor anyway, but when you do that and you're allowing yourself to show up as you really are and true to who you are and you are being the best peach that you can be, the people who love peaches will be able to spot you so much easier. And the connection is going to become even more genuine and real. And that's what happened with my friend.

Like, sure. Okay. She liked me in the beginning when I was trying to get her like me. But once I actually let her in and get to know who I really am, and I let go of trying to impress her, which is exhausting, by the way, I know that you can relate when you're just like, it's exhausting to try to be something that you're not because you're acting.

You're not actually being you. But as soon as I did that, our relationship deepened. We have such a better relationship and it really is on me. Like I was the one that was being weird, right?

She was always her and I was the one trying to be accepted. But once I let go of her, I was like, okay, I'm going to let go of trying to be accepted. I actually was accepted even deeper, a deeper relationship bloomed. You can't decide whether or not someone likes you or hates you.

It's not your decision. It's their decision, but you can decide how you can show up and whether or not you're being true to yourself. And I want to ask you that. Do you know who you are?

Do you know what you like? Do you know what you don't like? Do you know who totally, lifts your spirit up and like makes you just feel so alive and the people that take away and where are you standing? Are you standing in those places that lift you up to build you up that help you become a better person when you're in that space?

It's okay. If somebody doesn't like you and you can be okay with it because you can look at them as if, ah, they just don't like peaches and it's okay. It's nothing personal. There's no way that we are going to keep everyone happy, which I just thought about.

Another story that I want to share with you because it relates. So a number of years ago, I used to put on this event. It was this retreat that lasted a number of days and I had it in a number of locations and it was really amazing. It was all about empowering women, which is still what I love to do, right?

So it was all about empowering women and we would have all these amazing speakers come in and we would like lift these women up. And, uh, the last day they would choose between either running a 5k, um, 10k or half marathon. If you haven't been listening to my podcast very long, I am a marathon runner and I love to push my body to new limits. And so this was just right up my alley.

I'm like, let's motivate these women. Let's give them this amazing weekend. And then at the end, they can try, um, they can challenge themselves by doing something hard. That was the whole thing of these retreats.

And they were, it really was quite difficult to put them on. There was a lot of moving pieces, but I loved it because of all this feedback that I would get from people. Like for a number of retreats, nothing was negative. Everything was positive.

And people were telling me this changed my life. This weekend is the best weekend I've had in a long time. I feel like a new woman. I mean, I would get so much positive feedback that I was like, this is amazing.

You know, it was like, this is so incredible. And then there was one, there was this one event where for this particular event, by the way, I'm backtracking a little bit, but for this particular event, it was adults. Only so that the women could really just be and connect with other women and not have kids around. And this one particular event, this woman brought her baby.

Now, I mean, I had babies at the time that I was running this, I actually had pretty little kids. And so like, I get it, but also that wasn't allowed. And so I had to talk to her. I was like, Hey, like, you know, other women don't have their children here.

And, and she was telling me her wife, she needed her, have her baby there. And I was like, okay, we'll just make sure that, you know, if, if she's crying or whatever, that you step out. And so I thought I handled it. Okay.

Well, the baby did cry during the event and a lot of women were not happy about that. And so while the baby was crying, I had to go back up to her and say, I'm sorry, but can you please step out until your babies, um, has stopped crying. And that's all I said. I really thought I handled it.

Well, well, she was with her mom. She was with like sisters. I think she was with friends. They actually like quite a few of them came together and they had actually come together.

And so I was like, okay, I'm going to step out. And so I thought I handled it. Well, multiple events up to this event too. And so they were kind of, I guess, followers from event to event.

And she wrote me the meanest email that I had ever received, I guess about this event. I don't know if it was ever in my whole life, but I remember like the meanest email. And then at the end of the event, we always had people like fill out, you know, cards, but we could do better. And her whole group just wrote mean things.

Now I was, I felt ruined. I cried and I was so sad. And I just like felt so heartbroken that it was such a bad experience at the time for her and for her people. And the fact that they, and, and really what it was, was that they didn't like me.

Like I was so just upset that they didn't like me and that, you know, they didn't like the event, et cetera, et cetera. And my sister pulled me aside and was like, Amy, you're not going to do this. You're not going to do this. You're looking at this one little thing that's happened that was negative when you have put on all these events and had no negatives.

And you put on all these events and have had so many positives that you're changing women's lives, that you are helping women. Why are you so focused on this? When you play big, or when you put yourself out there, there are going to be more people that don't like you. This is part of business.

And I remember her telling me this and I just sat there and like, you know, it didn't, it didn't feel any better because I was so just sad about the situation. But as time went on, I was able to see that, that, yeah, I had put, you know, hundreds of women in these rooms and I had created this event that was so positive for so many people, including the speakers and the vendors and all the things. And I was letting this one person get under my skin. And really, she was just upset, you know, about the whole baby situation.

Really, whatever was going on in her life had nothing to do with me, but I was making it mean that, that something was wrong with me when really it's not true. And I tell that story because in that moment, like I was playing big, I was putting myself out there. I was like speaking to a few hundred women at a time and I was bringing speakers on and doing all the things. And a lot of people felt my heart.

A lot of people quote, quote, liked me, right. But I focused on the one who didn't, which does not serve us. But along those lines, I want to offer you like, what if you put yourself out there enough for people to even have opinion of you to like you or not like you instead of being vanilla, of course, you know, vanilla, meaning that you're not standing out, you're playing small, you're not really standing in your power. You're not saying the things you actually want to say, because you're worried about what people will think or not, think about you.

Well, they'll, they, whether they will like you or not like you. And I think back to the event often, even now, because truthfully, I don't love posting stuff on social media. And I do have those like thoughts that come up like, Oh, what if people don't like my post? What if, you know, but ultimately that's not standing in my power, standing in our power.

We understand that there are always going to be people that don't like us, but there are, will also be people that do like us. And when we have that power, when we have that energy, when we have that drive to be who we are, and we're putting ourselves out there, we will have people find us who will love us deeper and who will bring us more joy and fulfillment. Just like my friend story that I shared earlier and our relationships will be deeper. We'll have stronger connections.

And most importantly, people will know the real you, and you won't, or you won't be pretending because you will just be comfortable in your own skin. It's such a powerful place to be. And I still work on this. You know, I feel like a lot of times I stand on my power, but there's times where I like pull back and try to, you know, play a little smaller, not, not ruffle feathers so much.

But I know that when I'm in that space, I don't feel as good. I don't feel powerful. I don't feel like I'm me. And so I want to offer you the opportunity to stand in your power and understand that it's okay to let other people have opinions of you because they will.

Other people will have opinions. Other people are going to criticize, but when you come to the place of being okay with it and knowing that that's just part of it, then you will be able to rise even higher and take off into like a whole new level of growth. And that's where it gets really fun. So I want to challenge you to do that.

I want to challenge you to do that. I want to challenge you to let go of what other people think of you and stand in your power. And as you do, it'll get easier and even more fun and more potent, and you will feel so much better. And that's what I have for you today.

Hope you have a great day and I will see you on another episode. Bye. Come check out my signature program at Thrive Camp. This is where we do real coaching and inner work transformation.

I teach you how to apply the strategies and mindset tools we talk about here on the podcast so you can unlock your true potential and create the life you love. For more info, go to amysanders. co forward slash thrive dash camp. Again, that's amysanders.

co forward slash thrive dash camp. Let's get to work and thrive. Together.