Wife CARE - How To Be Resilient With A Trauma Victim Husband

You're not alone. There are many of us out there and I want you to know that it feels really out of control. I remember just thinking if he doesn't do the work then there's nothing I can do to make this better and I want everybody to know that there are things that you can start taking control of today that will start to build your relationship. It's about small steps and really just realizing let's take back some of the control because there is some there even though it doesn't feel like it.

Welcome to the Thrive Her podcast. I'm your host Amy Sanders. I'm a fitness and wellness pro, mom, stepmom, second wife, and master certified life coach. I'm here to help you manage your mind so you can uncover the most potent and most important things in your life.

version of yourself and create a thriving life you love. Hey everybody, welcome back to the Thrive Her podcast. I'm your host Amy Sanders and you know that I'm always excited to be here. I think I say every single week but I'm like really excited to be here today.

I'm already laughing because the woman that I have with us is freaking amazing. She's amazing and we met at a mastermind. We met before that through the Thrive Her summit that we're all part of which guys is amazing so you're gonna need to tune into that but we met and then when we met this mastermind I just thought she was like the coolest thing since sliced bread. She's done so many things.

She's truly changing lives and I think that's the thing is I love meeting women who are just like in for the work in for the long haul because they do. They're so passionate about it that they like know that this is changing lives and that's what she does. So we're gonna talk about it. So Danielle, she's a speaker.

She's a life coach. She actually helps wives help their men from the trauma that the men experienced when whatever trauma that was when they were growing up because what happens is that trauma ends up coming into your marriage, right? And in that marriage, it can get really rocky. It can get really hard and she is she's I don't know what we would call you a survivor, a supporter of a survivor.

That's exactly right. Yes. Supporter of a survivor. And she is called the wife care, which I actually love.

You also have a book. There was it's a best selling book. Yeah. And like really, you started this not that long ago, and it has totally gained all the speed because it's needed, right?

Yes, I saw this huge need, where I looked everywhere, for support for partners who are struggling in a relationship to someone who had survived childhood trauma because I was experiencing very unique things in my marriage that it just seemed like all of the communication techniques, the relationship books, the love languages, date nights, taking breaks for conflict. None of it seems to work. And we just kept through the same patterns of issues. And it ended up in me just really walking on eggshells all the time.

It felt like I was walking through a landmine in my marriage. And it seemed like the smallest little things would cause these really big rifts in our relationship that I didn't see in other relationships. So there was just this piece of the puzzle that I was trying to figure out that made my marriage different. Yeah.

How long were you married before you're like, hey, things seem weird here. Is this just me? Or is this a thing? Like how long before you started seeing signs?

I noticed a few things. And then of course, looking back, even in dating, there were some signs that I just didn't know. But I would say that things really started to escalate when my son was born. Okay.

Yeah. So we've been married about two, two and a half years. Yeah. So we've been married about two, two and a half years.

When my son was born. And then that's when a lot of the behaviors just seemed to really escalate. And I know that you and I have talked at length about this already. But for the listeners, tell them what you were experiencing, and how far you got before you're like, hey, this something's got to get.

Yeah, there was a really big need for control. And so I felt like it was controlling me, yeah, controlling the kids, controlling the environment, that really was causing a significant effect in the relationship. So it wasn't little things. It was like how long I took a shower, how much toilet paper you use, like where you put the blinds, and all of the furniture had to be in one particular place.

And if I moved it, it would have to be moved back. And then it escalated to the point where we have these blinds. In my office, that go up from the bottom and up from the top. And my husband wants them in a certain spot, because of airflow, so that so that there wasn't any condensation on the windows.

This room was where my son was in his crib. And I was remember just being like, No, I want these shades closed all the way so that nobody it's on street level, so that nobody that's driving down the street can see that there's a crib in here. Right. And it just we escalated and we just couldn't come to any resolution.

So those are some of the things I'm talking about. And then there was just a lot of seeming to be really what seemed to me to be really angry about small things. If I asked if he could do the dishes, it just seemed like he was taking that as a personal affront to his character. So taking it really hard, like I was telling him it was a bad person.

And no matter what I said, it just seemed to me we could never get to a resolution. And so it really impacted everything to the point where I don't know how long I can do this. Yeah, which would be really hard, your position, but then I also like immediately have so much compassion for him. Because that's a lot of obviously, there's a lot of pain and trauma that he's like carrying.

And I like to think of as with my husband, he's been through a lot of trauma as well. And like, once we started having to go through some really hard in order to uncover it. I just talked like it's like a backpack, and he would just throw the rocks in the backpack, throw the rocks in the backpack and never really take them out to where finally it's like at some point, he just fell and everything collapsed. Is that what happened with you guys before you finally before there was a change?

Yeah, we were seeing therapists before Beckett was born. And then we continued to see therapists after Beckett was born. But it was only probably Beckett was a therapist. He was in preschool, so probably two or three years old, when the marriage just imploded.

And it was only at that point that my husband was able to reveal this past trauma in his childhood that he never told anyone. It was like I knew that there was something going on, which is why I was staying because I knew my husband didn't want to be that way. It seemed like it was just something down there that he could only tolerate certain things. And I was like, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't Does that make sense? It was just heavy. I knew something was there, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

And finally, I just said, if I can't figure this out, I'm probably not gonna, we're not gonna make it. And so he was able to really reveal that. And that was just that piece of that puzzle that had been missing. So when he revealed that, how was that for you?

It was really emotional. Because when he revealed that, it was like, Like it was, he was a little kid again, that fear of saying something. And so it was really emotional. And I realized at that point how deep this was.

And then after that, it was hopeful. I was a little bit hopeful. Again, that I identified this thing, but part of me also felt pretty frustrated. Like I'd been lied to.

Yeah. For a really long time, knowing that there was something there. So I was frustrated. It was just this really, just a big, huge mix of emotions that occurred.

And when was that? How long ago from today? It was 10 years ago. 10 years ago.

So 10 years ago, how do you feel like your relationship is now? It's been a roller coaster, but I did get to this point. And that was when I realized. The book where I realized that we had the tools and that we had been able to work on how we could heal together to have a healthier relationship.

And I remember this day vividly where we had a soccer tournament for my daughter and we were in the car really early. I was in the passenger seat. Adam was in the front seat. The two kids were in the back and we had coffees and we were driving and we came up over the hill and there was this huge sunrise.

And I remember just looking at him and looking at the family and being like, this is what we've been working for. We can get through anything. And we did it. And then that led me to immediately be like, Hey, Adam, I think I want to write my story because I couldn't find any help when I needed it.

And I feel like we made it through for a reason. And that was to help others. Absolutely. Brady, the work that you're doing is humongous.

Like women are searching and I'm sure even men, right? Like people are like, they want to feel normal, like in there, which I hate the word normal. Like what is normal anyway? But they want to feel like the relationship can be happy and not full of those eggshells that you're talking about of little tiny things.

Like, why is this a big deal? I can't imagine. Why is this exhausting? It was exhausting.

But yeah. But just to know that somebody else is, has been through it because it seems like it's really, when it's not your story to necessarily tell as a, right. It's usually something that is, that your partner doesn't want you to tell everybody. It's very isolating.

And so I think that a lot of people don't talk about it, trying to protect their partner's privacy. And then you end up suffering alone. And not getting help. And it's just really exhausting.

And I don't know, a lot of marriages end up not making it. Yeah. I was going to say, even like with what you were telling us, wow, you're a really strong woman to stick it out. And you said that you stuck it out because you felt like there was something, right?

And then once you have something like, okay, maybe I can do this. So how do you feel now that you've stuck it out and that you are now essentially a trouble? Blazer for other people to find this kind of healing? I feel like everybody deserves to not have their past predict their future.

I just hate having the bad guys win. Yeah. And unless we can talk about it and remove the shame about it. And like you said, make this more normal that these things do happen, but they're coping mechanisms.

Yeah. to survive. It served a purpose. They needed it in their childhood.

It just doesn't work that great in adult relationships. I think that by changing the mindset to he's a narcissist, it's abusive. No, it's dysregulation. And that it was something that served them, but it can be changed.

I think that's how we can make a big difference. Yeah. I love that. Yeah.

So you have a signature framework, which I love that it's care. C-A-R-E. Geez, I couldn't get that out. So here, let's talk about it.

So tell us all about your signature program or framework care. So when I was writing my book, I'm like, how did I'm a pharmacist by background. So I'm a really good, I research, right? I like evidence.

And I also like to break things down into small pieces. And so I just remember sitting down, I went to a cabin in the woods by myself, a little cabin, and just wrote down all my thoughts. And I really looked back and was like, what were the things that I ended up doing, the steps that I took to get to the point where we were today that I wish somebody would have told me immediately. And I didn't have to learn it the hard way.

And so that is essentially what the framework is. And so the C, stands for comprehending trauma and the trauma brain. So you really have to understand triggers, why they're occurring, and then understand how you're speaking different languages. So what I was saying to my husband, his brain was hearing something else.

Can you give us an example of that, what that actually looks like? Oh, yes. So for example, me saying, he's like, what's your problem? I'm like, I just had a bad day at work.

It was really bad. I'm like, I just had a bad day at work. I'm like, I'm horrible. And so it has nothing to do with you.

It's just that I had a bad day at work and I just need a break. They are thinking I'm not enough support for them, for her. And that's why she's acting this way. This is all my fault.

And it's just fascinating. Yes. Everything is seen in a very negative doomsday light. And so only by knowing that's happening, can you communicate different in the situation.

So that's the first thing is that I really, we work with people, we figure out the triggers, we figure out what brings them on. And then essentially what the back end of it is. So why they're reacting that way to something that you said, so that then you can end up diffusing those situations and making them better. Yeah.

I have a question about the triggers. So when it comes to the triggers, I've heard different scenarios, different, views or whatever, where it's no avoid all the triggers that you can. There's one, it's just like avoid them. So if you know that something's going to trigger, just don't make sure you just do not even go near it.

And the other one is another thing I've heard is okay, with these triggers, let them happen, but then connect with each other through them so that the trigger can essentially like be diffused. And maybe it's not so big next time. What would you say to that? I would say partners try it all.

They try to not create any triggers. And so that actually doesn't do anybody any justice, right? Because life, living in a relationship, just being close together, you're going to trigger each other. Everybody has triggers.

So what I've really found is that also you don't want them to suppress the feelings that are coming out. Most time, especially men, have been suppressing it. And that's why. When they have a kid who's their same age, when they were abused or whatever, that the triggers just come out.

And they need to come out. It's just that they need to come out in a healthy way and not on the partner. And not on the partner key, right? Okay.

So what is A? A is accessing the support you need. I already talked about how isolating it can be and how exhausting and just mind-boggling. And numbing the situation can be for both the survivor and the partner.

So I literally work through a getting support checklist where we are like, okay, what support does he need? What support do you need? What support does the family need? And then what other support can help you get through this so that as you heal, you're not so isolated?

Yeah. And what would some examples be of getting a support? Some people are like, what does that even mean? I don't know.

I don't know what support I need. What does that look like? For me, I mean, we had a whole, a whole team of support. I'm not going to lie.

We both had counselors. We had the couple of counselors. But to me, the biggest thing for me was that I was isolating myself. I didn't want people to see what a mess my relationship was.

So when I realized that I needed that outlet, it was this huge thing. It made my life so much better. So for me, it was just being with friends and being able to reach out to them. And then also having a conversation with my husband that I do need somebody.

That I can blow off steam with, but it's somebody who I wanted him to be comfortable with. So having that discussion about, yeah, because there's always that one friend where they're like, don't tell that. They'll tell everybody. You want to avoid that.

Usually one person. You can actually, what about R? So we have C-A and then we have R. Yeah.

So resilience building to self-care. And so I want people to stop not, not going to their workouts, trying to do everything, taking care of themselves so that they, you're more reactive and not able to do the tools that you want to do when you're completely worn out and burned out. So I want these, I want, I needed to start taking better care of myself. Yeah.

I think that's so important. Naturally, not necessarily even in this situation that you coach women. Women on, it's like already we're used to not taking care of ourselves when there's so many other people to care for. It's our instinct.

Yeah. And then when you're in this situation, it becomes even more of an instinct to do everything. If you do all this stuff, if you take off the load, then they won't be as reactive. All those things end up really not helping in the relationship.

And then you're just. And there's going to be resentment that comes up because you're like. Oh, I'm giving you so much. And so this is so much hard.

This is hard. This isn't what I asked for. There's a lot of that can come up when you're not taking care of yourself and you're not in a good emotionally, like mental state yourself. Yes.

Yep. And it's like I said, you also feel bad. Like he's going through so much. Who am I to ask for help?

Right. And there's a lot of that. And so I just realized that wasn't helping anyone that I needed help just as much as he did. No, because essentially.

You also are going through this and how you're going through this looks different. Yeah. Because you're you become essentially the victim's victim. And you're taking on a lot.

Right. Which kudos to everyone who does this. Yes. But I see you.

I see you. I see how hard you're working. It's OK to take a break. Yeah.

Do you feel as you were going through this, did your love for him change? Yeah. With how you saw him? Yeah.

Going through this makes our relationship even stronger. Yeah. Than it was when we started. Yeah.

When you know that somebody, because they don't want to lose their family, will go to those deep steps to heal. That's a lot. And then same for him, knowing how much. I stayed through.

It was rough, but he deserved that person that would love him through it. And so that's it's made our relationship deeper. I love that. It just made me think about this guy that I was friends with in college.

He's awesome. I love him. And then he met another one of my friends. They end up marrying each other.

So I was like, this is so great. Life goes on. But I just ran into him recently and I ran Ragnar with his wife. And I was like, I'm going to marry him.

And I'm going to marry him. And I'm going to was it like a year ago or something? Anyway. So I had never known what she had been going through, but I knew him before I even knew her.

And then they got married. And I just assumed that things are great. But anyway, I had to meet up with him because she was giving him something to give to me. Anyway, I have a point.

I promise. But when I met up with him, all she had said is, yeah, we've been through some really tough times. It was rough. And she didn't really go into a lot of detail.

Again, I think because a lot of people don't know what they're going through. And I'm don't want to talk about what has happened and they don't want to create more shame or more guilt or so it's not talked about, which is why I love your work so much. Like this is such important work. But anyway, when he met up with me, he gave me a hug.

We hadn't seen each other for a while because I'd been seeing his wife now, but not necessarily him because that's what happens when you are no longer when you're married and you're no longer hanging out with all the guys. But he told me I didn't even ask about his relationship. I just basically we were just talking about his wife. And immediately he went off on how incredible of a woman she is, how strong she is, how much more gratitude he has for her, because she should never have stayed with him with what he's put her through.

Because he didn't deal with his own crap. So he didn't even go into the detail of what it was. But I was just an old friend that was meeting up with him to grab something for like from her. And what he had to say, about her was so beautiful.

Because of what they've been through. And then next time I was with her, I was like, okay, he had a lot to say about you. Yeah. I deserve it.

But yeah, we've been through a lot. I'm like, man, like just the depth of gratitude he had for her was really, it was really touching. And it was just like, I don't know, eye opening to like what can happen to a relationship when you do just go to those really dark places and figure it out and have to close your eyes. And I was like, I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't out of them together. It's gonna look different for both of you. Anyway, side note, that just happened.

And I loved hearing that, like hearing him talk about her that way was just really cool. So E, what's E? Establishing healthier patterns. In part.

So once you understand, you think have to get better, right? The trauma is definitely there, but it's not an excuse. And so things do need to get better. And those, like I said, having those triggers, having those outlets that don't get taken out on the family and the partner is really the key to having that healthy relationship.

But man, I needed to understand it better. I really needed to get some support and I needed to take better care of myself first before those patterns really could take hold. You had to be strong for yourself so that you could support him. Yep.

A hundred percent. And I tried to do it the other way, the complete opposite way, to be honest. I tried it and it took eight years. So if for anybody who's out there doing the opposite way that I did it.

That's what you're for, right? Because you're going to help them like get there a lot faster. If you can get there in one year or two years instead of eight, why would you not? Exactly.

Wow. So today, tell me like some of the things that you've seen happen with your work, just like some of the cool things that women and men are experiencing. It's interesting because I've been through it. I've done so much research and now I've worked with quite a few partners.

And it's interesting because it's like people start telling me their story and I can end it for them. That's what happens. Yeah, I know. And I can be like, oh, I know where this is going because I know that trauma reigns so well.

And it's just really interesting. But when you're in it, it's so hard to see it. And you're in, like I said, most of these people are in total survival mode, total reactive mode. And so I love being able to be that person who looks at the bigger picture and can be like, okay, this is what's happening here.

This is what he thought you said. Even though you said this, and this is how we can start to get back on the same page. So it has been absolutely amazing. And I'm giving these women hope that they haven't had in a really long time.

And really, they're saving marriages. Yes. That's a real big deal. But you don't say to that.

I know. You're like, I see. But it's amazing. It's truly amazing.

And, I was just talking to my daughter and her friend about this last night. Like, trauma, he, all people go through trauma. And I think sometimes we discount it. Like, we'll be like, mine wasn't as bad as theirs.

Or mine was a long time ago. Like, I should be over this. Or why is this still bothering me? Like, I feel stuck.

But this is dumb. Like, someone else has done this and they seem fine. But I'm like, first of all, is that person fine? And second of all, it's going to look different.

Because it's going to look different. And I'm like, all of our brains are different. We're all different. Like, it's going to, there's no timeline, right?

It's like, you can fix it. But everybody, there's, everybody has gone through things. And there's going to be different levels of trauma and how it affects people. And it's okay.

Yeah. And if you have patterns that aren't working for you, it's okay. They can change. They totally can.

It is possible. It doesn't, and you don't have to, yeah, like you, said, it doesn't matter. Mine wasn't as bad as this person. It doesn't matter.

If you have patterns that are working for you, it's okay. It's okay. And it's never too late. Like, it's, you're not, just even yesterday, there was someone that I was working with and she's, I just don't feel like I'm enough, which I'm like, why do we not feel like we're enough?

Because of things that have happened in our past. Like, we're all enough. Absolutely. So another question that's popping up that I want to ask is like, within, with your marriage, with your husband, is he, like, how is he with his triggers now?

Do you feel like it's a lot less? Do you feel like, what does that look like? It's cyclical. It's interesting.

So we have certain bad times of year. I'm just kidding. I'm going to be honest. Where I'm like, oh, okay.

It's not bike season anymore. And this is getting cold. And when you can't get outside, it seems to me those are harder times. But now we just have the tools and we're like, okay, so we're not just going to, we're going to, you're going to get exercised some other way, even if it isn't biking, if that makes sense.

Your holidays are hard. Yeah. Always. And then certain things are happening.

And this is going to be the case for anybody. The trauma doesn't go away. And so we had some different triggers when our daughter became a teenager and got her driver's license and was wanting to, he was losing some control, right? Yeah.

Keeping her safe. And that ended up being a difficult time. So it's, that's just life there. There's hard times, but we've been able to identify some of those things and be able to prevent them in certain cases, or just let it be.

If this is a hard time of year, it's okay. We'll use the tools and we'll get through it. Yeah. And I think it's probably just being aware of it now, right?

Okay. This is happening and this is okay. Yeah. I still love you.

You still love me. Yeah. It's funny. Cause I, that incident was when I was talking about my daughter being a teenager and getting the driver's license and he couldn't have control.

My husband likes to clean like obsessively when he's not feeling in control. That's his way of feeling in control. And my son and I, we went to my parents' cabin. They have this cabin and we left Adam at home and Beckett and I just went and four wheelered and did all the cabin stuff.

And it was fun. And I came home and Adam had cleared off all of our shelves. He went into cleaning mode. And so he likes to purge.

He got rid of everything. Oh my God. Where is all my stuff? You have the person who helps you decorate your shelves, like those beautiful shelves behind you.

And it was gone. And I was like, It's all the decorations. So I immediately freaked out, went for a run, got outside and came back. And this time now we're to the point where I'm like, Hey, hon, do you think you're feeling a little bit out of control with Brinley being a teenager and you just went through and purged all of our stuff to feel control?

And he's like, yeah, maybe. And then we can laugh about it. And I'm like, put all my stuff back on my shelves. I want my stuff on my shelves.

But that is funny too. That's where you're making light of it. And knowing it's still going to happen. He's still going to do some of those things, but we can deal with it a lot better.

But showing up in that way is, Such a healthier way. Then why did you take all the stuff off the shelves? Yeah. What are you doing?

I want my stuff. Oh, way better. And we can name it. Okay.

You're doing that thing again. When you're feeling out of control. And he recognizes that he's away. Oh, sure.

Yeah. You're probably okay. All right. That's me.

Awesome. Okay. So what would you tell the woman who is struggling with this right now? And she's going through, she's like the version of you a few years ago.

You're not alone. There are many of us out there. And I want you to know that it feels really out of control. It's it.

I remember just thinking if he doesn't do the work, then there's nothing I can do to make this better. And I want everybody to know that there are things that you can start taking control of today that will start to build your relationship. It's about small steps and really just realizing let's take back some of the control. Cause there is some there, even though it doesn't feel like it.

I love that. And also how do people get ahold of you? My website is super easy. W dot Danielle Sebastian.

com. But I highly recommend that people find my Instagram account. If this is resonating with you and you want to really realize that there's a lot of other people out there and that these little incidents, these are crazy sometimes, but I see you Danielle Sebastian underscore wife care. It's my Instagram account.

Yeah. Her Instagram is hopping, man. And you put out so much good content that people can just immediately resonate with. There's like, Oh yeah, that's me, which is amazing.

You're out. If you're feeling unheard, I will let you be feel heard on that Instagram account. Yeah, for sure. Such, such a little gold mine there.

That Instagram account. So yeah, I also have the links underneath and Danielle, thank you so much for being on the podcast. We've loved having you. Your work is amazing.

I love everything that you're doing. So inspiring. Thank you so much. It's an honor to be here.

Loved this conversation. Thank you. You bet guys. We'll be back here next week.

Thank you for tuning in. And again, all of her information is below in the show notes. Go find her. She is going to help you.

Hey, if you enjoyed listening to this podcast, you've got to come check out my signature program, Thrive Her Academy. This is where we do real coaching and inner work transformation. I teach you how to apply the strategies and mindset tools we talk about here on the podcast. So you can create that life and business that you love.

For more information, go to www. amysanders. co. www.

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Again, that is amysanders. co forward slash services.