This is 45.

Believe me when I say I understand this deeply, that it's hard to have boundaries, but when you do, things change. By having boundaries, I had relationships that I actually had to say goodbye to that were really close to me. In fact, some of them were my siblings, and they were no longer serving me. It was a very unhealthy place for me to be, and so I temporarily, I didn't know if it was temporary, but I finally let go of allowing certain behaviors, which means that certain relationships dropped out of my life for a while.

Welcome to the Thrive Her podcast. I'm your host, Amy Sanders. I'm a fitness and wellness pro, mom, stepmom, second wife, and master certified life coach. I'm here to help you manage your mind.

So you can uncover the most potent version of yourself and create a thriving life you love. Hello, hello. Welcome back to the podcast. Thanks for tuning in.

I'm your host, Amy Sanders. And today we are talking about the fact that I'm turning 45 this week. Actually, that's not what we're talking about. This is 45.

That is what I'm calling this podcast. Because I want to talk about all the different lessons that I've learned. Well, let's be honest. I'm going to talk about 10 lessons that I've learned in my life that have served me well.

And I'm going to give you some stories and some examples of when I learned these lessons. And really looking back at my life, like I really am happy about where I am right now. I look at all the different things that I've gone through and how they have helped pave the path for me. The path I'm on now and also where I'm going.

And at 45 years old, I can say that I am stronger and more fit right now in my life than I was in my 20s. I have more confidence than I ever have. I love my kids and my husband and my loved ones in my life. I love them deeper.

I feel more open. And I even look younger today than I did in my 30s. And the whole reason why I'm saying this is not to brag or boast. But to say that.

Age doesn't matter. What matters is how you choose to live your life and the lessons you learn along the way that help you pivot, develop, and grow. And that's essentially what this podcast episode is all about. Now, as I was putting these together, I realized that every single lesson I learned can become its own individual podcast episode.

So I am going to be diving even deeper into each one of these topics. Because as I was putting this together, I was like, oh my gosh. All of these. These are an episode in and of itself as we go deep.

And so we are going to do that. But let me run through the 10 with some examples and my life experiences of the things that I've learned. So these are not in any particular order. They're just the order that I put them in.

And the number one is the power of one decision. So when it comes to making decisions, the power of even one decision can change the trajectory of your life for good or for bad, but it can change the trajectory of your life. And I have learned this. This has happened over and over, but some of them have been really big decisions that I made because I didn't want other people to feel bad.

It was my people pleaser coming out. So when I married my first husband, knowing that I shouldn't, knowing that he wasn't the best match for me, I did it anyway, because he checked the marks. When it comes to making decisions, I did it anyway, because he checked the marks when it came to my religion. He checked the boxes and because I didn't want him to feel bad by being rejected.

And I also didn't want to upset my parents. And so I made the biggest decision I could make, which was getting married to someone knowing that I shouldn't. Now, how that played out for me was a really unhealthy marriage where I learned a lot of other lessons, right? But it was the power of one decision.

The power of one decision also led to me leaving that marriage and me leaving that marriage totally. Totally changed the trajectory of my life. Again, I became a stepmom. I became ex-wife.

I eventually became a new wife and I actually lost a lot of relationships from leaving that marriage. However, I also gained a lot of things. I gained a lot of my confidence back. I gained a deeper relationship with my kids.

I also... I also had this dream of if I were to leave my ex-husband, we were both very broke at the time. We did not even have two nickels to rub together. And when I left, I had this dream of my kids having whatever it is that they wanted.

I remember just thinking I wanted them to be able to afford things like extracurricular activities, but the ones where they accelerated teams. And that wasn't my life at the time. But by leaving my ex-husband and putting that out there, manifesting that, my kids have had the most abundant life ever since I left him. And not just because of the income and lifestyle that I've created for them, but also what happened as a result of me leaving him and who he ended up marrying and how his life unfolded.

We could not have created that life together. That was just not the energy that we both brought into that marriage. I also learned that... By...

Leaving a marriage, it doesn't always mean the grass is greener. People will look at me and Chris's life and be like, oh, wow, they're so happily married and they have all these things going on. And although that is true, we've done a lot and we've created a lot and we have a beautiful lifestyle, life was really hard for a really long time. We were slapped with multiple lawsuits not long after we were married to each other.

I was used to being this fitness instructor that everybody liked and I liked motivating them. And it seemed like... I was a really likable person and all of a sudden I get married and I'm an evil stepmom. Like I did not see that coming, but that is the power of one decision.

So the grass is not always greener. It's just different. But the power of one decision can truly change the trajectory of your life. And those are just a couple examples.

Of course, it's also throughout my business, the power of one decision that led me to another decision that led me to something else greater. It can happen everywhere, but the power of one decision. It can truly change the trajectory of your life. So I want you to look at your life and look at how this has played out in your life.

And what is it that you're not? I told you different examples, but also this plays out in doing things now, not waiting for some day, but also owning your yes moments, whether it's leaving a relationship or choosing growth or leaning into a relationship, even though it's scary. What are the things that can change the trajectory? If your life, I live a completely different lifestyle because I left my ex-husband and I live a completely different life, not just lifestyle, totally different friends, deeper relationships, all because I made that decision.

And he also is better off that I made that decision, not just me and my kids. All of us are. So number two is you can rewrite your story at any time. So stories are things that we've inherited from other people, especially conditioning when we're young.

And a lot of times they're not even ours. We just pick them up and we're like, okay, I guess that's just how life is, but it doesn't have to be. So you can break generational and societal scripts by questioning yourself. Do I believe this?

Is this actually mine? Do I want to believe this? You don't have to be defined by your past. Your past is just your past.

You get to define what your today looks like. And you get to define what your tomorrow looks like. Think of it. I like to think of it as you're not broken.

You're just becoming. You're consistently becoming. Self-identity stories can keep you stuck. Like when you identify with something that pigeonholes you, it can really keep you stuck.

However, if you question it, and if you look at it, that you can rewrite your story at any time, it feels better and you get to decide what that looks like. I've rewrote. Written my story by yes, leaving my ex-husband. Yes, remarrying.

Yes. I've rewritten my story by moving. I've rewritten my story by changing different parts of my business. Like this doesn't serve me any longer.

Rewrite my story. I've rewritten my story by showing up differently for my kids than I used to. Things that I didn't love. I'm like, you know, that doesn't define me.

I don't have to subscribe to that anymore. You can change by rewriting your story at any time. That's number two. Oh, so number three is boundaries are sexy and they actually deepen your relationships.

I have learned this the hard way by having no boundaries. And then once I tried to put them in place, realizing there's something that I needed, I struggled to enforce them. And I also lost relationships. So when you are putting boundaries in place, it does not mean that you are pushing people away.

And if you are, then you're probably doing it wrong. It just means that you're telling them, you're not telling them how to treat you. You're teaching them how to treat you. So if you have people in your life that don't treat you very well, it's probably a boundary issue.

Also, if you hold a lot of resentment around certain people, you probably have a boundary issue. And so you need to just look at that and look at how you want to be treated and then teach them how to treat you. And in my life, this has worked out so well for me long term, but in the short term, it didn't so much. In the short term.

scary standing up for myself. I was awful at boundaries. I was really good at doing everything for everyone else at the expense of myself. I always call myself a recovering people pleaser because my default is to do whatever I can to keep people happy.

But I was unhappy because of what I was doing. I would even like hire people to do certain jobs and then I would feel bad to ask them to do the job. And so then I would start doing all this extra work that was actually their work, even though I'm paying them because I didn't want them to feel bad. I mean, I said yes to marriage because I didn't want someone to feel bad.

So believe me when I say I understand this deeply that it's hard to have boundaries. But when you do, things change. By having boundaries, I had relationships that I actually had to say goodbye to that were really close to me. In fact, some of them were my siblings and they were no longer serving me.

It was a very unhealthy place for me to be. And so I temporarily, I didn't know if it was temporary, but I finally let go of allowing certain behaviors, which means that certain relationships dropped out of my life for a while. Here's what I learned is the relationships that mattered came back and respected my boundaries and it helped me have even more respect for myself. And that's how I want you to see boundaries, that boundaries are not walls.

They're just invitations to respect. And you cannot expect someone else to respect you more than you're respecting yourself. So out of respect, you respect your time. You respect how you show up for people and you respect obviously them the way that you want them to respect you.

It's a two-way street, but by teaching people how to treat you and what boundaries are in place that work for you, your relationships will deepen because that respect is there. Respect is everything. Number four is fear is your doorway to a more fulfilling life. And I love this one because there's so many things I've done in my life that were really scary.

When I had to speak up or when I first ran my first marathon or when I had to tell one of my steps, my step kids, no, right? Like a lot of these things that are little felt really, really big, but by leaning into it and realizing what fear actually is, which is just emotion, it's a biological emotion that you feel. It can also be a spiritual one, but that doesn't mean it's bad just because you have the feeling of fear. It doesn't mean anything.

It doesn't mean anything other than this is probably something new and biologically you're freaking out. So if you can look at this and realize that a lot of these stories of fear, if you unpack them, they can become fuel in your life. You can end up doing amazing things by leaning into my fear of building my first business. It has led me to build multiple businesses.

It has led me to coach women in business now by leaning into my fear of speaking up as a stepmom. It's helped my stepkids start to respect me. Same goes for my children, but being a stepmom has been way harder than being a biological mom because naturally they don't want to like you. We have been conditioned to not like stepmoms.

And so it's something that you have to really hurdle and overcome. But if you understand that a lot of times when you're scared of something or you fear something and you check in with yourself, am I actually safe to do this? It's just a biological feeling that comes up anytime you do something new. And so if you do the new thing, you will build more courage and you'll see that you actually can.

So fear can be an amazing thing. By actually leaning into my fear, I've completed multiple marathons. I've completed multiple triathlons. I became a fitness instructor for years and years and years when at first it was super scary and then it served me really well.

How I want you to look at fear, is ask yourself, what fear am I ready to use as a compass? Meaning that fear, I said at the beginning here, number four, that it's your doorway to a more fulfilling life. Your fear can become a compass. It can lead you to the greatest discoveries.

I always say the cave you fear holds the treasure you seek. You go through that fear and you learn who you really are. You learn what you're capable of. And by the way, it's a lot.

It's exciting. Fear doesn't ever mean stop, which is what we usually do when we build fear, we stop. But fear just means that there's power on the other side. When you move through the fear, you see who you really are.

And I always challenge my clients, like, what can you do today that's scary? I actually had a call today where I asked her to do some marketing and she's like, she, I could tell she just was like, not want to. She wants to have an online business, but she didn't want to tell anyone about her business. I'm like, guess what?

Welcome. This is what this is. You have to actually talk about your offer. But that scared the crap out of her.

Why? Because she's never done it before. And so it's like, welcome that. And then you'll gain the strength to keep going.

Number five is self-worth is the real currency. What I have learned through my experience so far, which by the way, I have gone through a lot. I've been through betrayals, been through defrauds. Of course, I've been through a lot of really hard things, which if you've tuned in, you probably know, but if you haven't, that's okay.

But just know that what I have learned is through my deepest, darkest times, me learning how to actually have self-worth has unlocked the doors to so many other areas. But the same is true when I had low self-worth, which I did have. Low self-worth leaks into every area of your life, including your relationships, including your business. It leaks into how your relationship was with money.

Everything that is happening to you for good or for bad usually comes back to how you see yourself. So I want to ask you, how do you see yourself? At 45 years old, I see myself as a total badass woman that's like super confident and who loves to inspire other people. That's awesome.

For me, I love... I love what I do, but that's not who I used to be. I used to be scared to even speak up about anything. And I used to people-please at the expense of myself every single time.

I felt like I didn't have a voice. And so I would be bubbly and fun, but I wouldn't truly speak about what I wanted because I didn't want anyone to feel bad. So I want you to ask yourself this question. What is it that you believe you deserve?

I truly want you to ponder that. Technically, you deserve everything, not even technically, like spiritually, abundantly, you deserve everything that is on your heart. And you can have everything on your heart, but you have to believe that you're worthy of it. So what do you believe you deserve?

Sit with that for a minute. Let's ponder that today. Think about that. When you know your worth, you will stop negotiating without a doubt.

When you know your worth, you will stand in your power at all times. And by the way, it feels amazing. So again, ask yourself that question. What is it that you believe you deserve?

And if it's not a great answer, then there's work for you to do there. So number six is forgiveness is your freedom. This is probably my favorite one because of the depth I've had to learn it. When someone hurts you, you have a decision to make.

And whether you will own this or not, you forgive. For yourself, forgiveness isn't about them. It isn't about the wrong that they did. It's about the hurt in your heart and the hate that you hold in your heart.

When you hold on and don't forgive. Letting go is the greatest gift you can give yourself. It feels free. It feels light.

And I have learned this at the deepest levels. And what I have discovered about myself is that I am an extremely, extremely forgiving person. And I love really, really big. I thought I knew that.

And I thought I did. But what I've learned in the even the last two years is that when I have forgiven at the deepest levels, I have more love. It's like the deeper you forgive, the bigger your heart becomes. And that feels amazing.

You cannot, you cannot heal while holding on to what has hurt you. If you hold on to those things that were painful, you will never heal completely. And regardless of the wrongdoings that other people have done to you, again, it's not about them. It's about you.

When you energetically hold on to grudges, it stays in your body. Energetically, you will vibe at a lower level, which means, you will have less to give other people. Do you want that for yourself? I guarantee you don't.

So remember, forgiveness is about you. And the deeper you forgive, the more you let go of, you will vibe higher energetically, you will feel more lighter, and you will be able to love deeper. It is the greatest gift you can give yourself. And again, it is your freedom.

It is your path to freedom. Number seven, is healing doesn't have a deadline. I'm someone that likes to get things done. And I go really, like, I think I only know one speed and that speed is fast.

I like to go fast. I like to do fast. Everything's fast. And I run circles around everyone I know, because I have a massive to do list and I do it all fast.

And so when it came to healing some of the deepest betrayals that I have experienced, what I learned was that trauma has a deeper meaning. And I think that's what I'm of staying in your body until you are ready to release it. And healing has its own timeline. You cannot rush healing.

It is something that I have tried to do. Guess what? It does not work. So if you can understand that healing doesn't have a deadline, it just is.

It doesn't matter if you've lost someone and you're grieving something deeply. If you're grieving a divorce, if you're grieving a betrayal, if you have, some kind of hurt inside you from whatever it is, there's layers of healing that have to happen. And sometimes one wound will open up another, which will open up another, which will open up another. And so what has helped me is giving myself permission to be in the process.

And that's what I want to offer you is give yourself permission to be in the process. And that you can learn how to hold pain and joy at the same time. You can see these things around you and be grateful and hold joy for them while you still hold pain. And it's okay to have both.

One thing I have loved that I've learned is you're not behind, you're becoming. Looking at it that light is a really great way for you to heal. That there's no timeline. You're not behind.

You're consistent. You're consistently becoming a better version of yourself. It's a process that never even ends until you die. You're consistently and continually becoming a better version of yourself.

And what you can do today might be more than you can do tomorrow, vice versa. But as long as you're showing up the way that you can show up for yourself is all that matters. Knowing that you need to embrace the nonlinear growth, because it's not linear. It's up, it's down, it's all over the place.

But you're on the path and you're consistently choosing to be on the path, being a little bit better every single day, defining what that looks like, knowing that some days you have more in you than other days. And that's okay. Number eight is living in an unapologetic alignment. I love this one.

And what this means is that you say yes. I like to say hell yes, by the way. Hell yes means that you're all in on whatever you agree to. And if it isn't a yes, then it's a no.

If it's not a hell yes, if you're not all the way in, then it's a no. And there is a difference between aligned action, things that actually feel good to you, versus forced action. So when you are aligned, you will feel at peace. Of course, there is action.

So it's not like you're just like manifesting, sitting on your couch, hoping something to change. It's not like you're just like manifesting, sitting on your couch, hoping something to change. It's you are aligned with the what it is you're working on. And it feels good to you.

It's not forced. The second it feels you're forced, you need to audit what it is that you're doing. And see if it's something that truly is coming from your soul. Or if you're trying to force something, because if you're trying to force something energetically, it's going to be really hard for you.

And by the way, it's just exhausting. So being unapologetic by agreeing, making those agreements, with yourself and others that feel good. It's a yes, an absolute yes. If it's not, let it go.

If it comes back up, it might be a yes later. And that's okay. It might never be a yes. But just understand this, that if it's not a hell yes, it's a no.

Choose yourself, not out of a place of selfishness, but out of a place of self fullness, you're full. And you're so full, that you're able to give more because you're overflowing into other people's lives. It's a better way to live. Number nine is your past is a portal, not a prison.

And what I mean by this is sometimes we hold on to our painful stories and we hold on to them, hold on to them, hold on to them to where they define us and they keep us held hostage. They keep us essentially into a prison. By looking at your past objectively and by looking at all the different things you've experienced and being grateful for the lessons that you've learned with each of them, you're able to let it just be a portal to greatness. You can learn from every single thing that has been awesome and hard in your life.

Extract the lessons. Say you're a coach tuning in and you've like joined coaching programs where you didn't really get a lot out of it and it costs a lot of money. Look at that coaching program and ask yourself what it was that you didn't like about it so that you can never regret it. And if you don't like it, then you can never regret it.

And if you don't like it, you can never regret it. And if you don't like it, then you can never regret it. And if you don't like it, repeat that in your own coaching program. If you didn't like the way your mom parented to do great, take the things you didn't like and toss them.

Take the things that you liked and add it into your parenting. Same goes with your relationships. Extract the gold, all the little lessons from your past and let go of anything that feels imprisoned. I actually love to write like power statements from my past that I can live by.

Which one of them that I like is your past isn't your prison, it's your proof. Meaning for me, everything that's happened in my past has led me to where I am now. I would not be a coach and I would not be on this podcast had I not gone through some really hard things wishing that I had the help that now I am able to give to other people. I wouldn't feel like I could be a good coach without the experiences that I've had.

At this point in time at 45 years old, I feel like I have experienced just about everything you can. So not only am I, you know, I've gone through the training to be a good coach and be a good business coach, but I've also gone through so many life experiences to where I feel confident in my teaching skills. And that is because of the different experiences I had in my past. So if you can look at your past and extract the lessons, it's going to serve you so much better.

Again, I can talk a lot about this, but I'm going to do that on another podcast. Your past is a portal, not a prison. Don't let it handicap you. Let it be your launchpad.

Number 10 is your faith and your feminine power is where everything lies. The more I am in tuned, what I've learned is the more I've tuned into my spirit and the more I have the power to do that, the more I have the power to do that. The more I have leaned into making sure that I am in alignment with myself, which means that guess what? I'm a girl.

I've got feminine power. The more I have leaned into that, the more beautiful my life has become. Being feminine does not mean being passive. Women have a lot of power.

It means that you're tuning into your intuition. You're taking enough time to be quiet and ask your soul, what it is that is right for you. Your soul is very old. Your soul has been around for a very, very, very long time.

She knows the answers and she knows what's best for you because you are part of her. She is part of you. You are essentially a team. She's going to be able to lead you better than anybody else can lead you.

But are you listening? Are you truly embodying that amazing goddess that you are? Learning this has been an unlock for me. I was used to living in my masculine energy.

It was how I was raised. It was how I was conditioned. And also, guess what? We live in the United States.

We're very in our masculine. But everything felt heavy. Everything felt hard. Anytime I built something, every time I was doing really anything, I felt like it was such a struggle, like I was climbing uphill.

And it was hard. It was hard. I was forcing my actions while living in my masculine power. Once I realized that I could live in my feminine power and have faith that I know the answers, faith that my business will find, that the clients that need me are going to find me and hire me, faith that I'm doing the right thing while tuning in to my intuition.

Everything changed. My income went up. I worked less. I do like to work, guys.

I do like to work. But I work with what works with me, and I'm able to give more to my family. Trust the divine. You are a divine goddess full of all of the answers.

You're also the fire. No one is you, and so you trying to be other people is not going to feel good, right? But what feels best is when you tap into who you are. Your beauty, everything that makes you you, is unique.

So lean into it. Those are the 10. Those are the 10 lessons that I have learned by this point in my life. I'm actually really excited that it's only half over.

So many people keep saying we're getting old, and I'm like, what are you talking about? We still got years ahead of us. What are you talking about? A lot of my friends that are close to my age, and I'm like, what are you talking about?

A lot of my friends that are close to my age, and I'm like, what are you age. So let's just go over the 10 one more time so that you can remember what they are. And then I would love for you to re-listen to this episode so that you can write down some of the nuggets that you can apply into your own life, asking yourself some of those questions. But number one is the power of one decision can change the trajectory of your life.

Two is you can rewrite your story at any time. Three is boundaries are sexy and deepen your relationships. Number four is fear is your doorway to a more fulfilling life. Five is self-worth is the real currency.

Six is forgiveness is your freedom. Seven is healing doesn't have a deadline. Eight is live in unapologetic alignment. Nine, your past is your portal, not a prison.

And 10 is faith and feminine power is everything. That is the 10. Those are lessons at 45 years old that I have learned the hard way, most of them that I now live by that have led me to have a pretty amazing life at 45 years old. I look back and where I am today, I wouldn't trade the lessons that I, the things I've had to go through and the lessons I've had to learn, I would not trade because they are who make me, me today and who I am today.

I am really proud of, and I want you to say the same thing. So look at your life and see what, where you can make little tweaks. And sometimes that's all it is. It's just little tweaks that would help you feel more aligned and powerful.

And that's what I have for you today. If you liked this episode, make sure to share it with your family and friends. And I would love it if you commented below. I always like comments.

And with that, take care, have a great day, and I will see you next week. Bye. You've got to come check out my signature program, Thrive Her Academy. This is where we do real coaching and inner work transformation.

I teach you how to apply the strategies and mindset tools we talk about here on the podcast. So you can create that life and business that you love. For more information, go to www. amysanders.

co forward slash services. Again, that is amysanders. co forward slash services. Thank you so much for watching.

I'll see you next week. Bye.